…the end of man is to know

In the third edition of “No ‘Effin Way”, one would expect me to find a ridiculous article that spurs some sort of outrage. Today, I have found something that has caused more anger and rage than even I thought possible. For those to lazy to click over, Nickelback has been nominated for multiple Grammys and won 3 Billboard Music Awards over the past few years. This embarrassment of a band actually has a following of fans. As we approach Independence Day, I call on the millions of Nickelback fans to break the shackles and declare themselves free of bad music.

In mainstream music, too much credit (or blame) usually goes to the frontman. In Nickelback’s case, this is far from the truth. Not nearly enough blame goes to Chad Kroeger. Just look at this guy. Could he be trying any harder to look cool? The longish hair. The t-shirt. The jeans with enough holes to make it look like he isn’t trying, but not enough to make him look unclean. The shout out to his adoring masses. It’s all there.

Yet, if I only didn’t like Chad Kroeger as a person, then this blog post would be ad hominem after ad hominem. But it’s the music that is really insufferable. Their musical “style” is a joke. They launch songs like Animals (the song starts with “I’m driving like I’m Black”) so they can build up some cred as a hard rock, angry band. Then they’ll switch over to If Everyone Cared (”if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we’d see the day when nobody died”) which sounds like the worst attempt at channeling John Lennon and Neil Young since John Mayer.

This clip is from a Nickelback concert at a Portuguese music festival. I’m not sure which is better: the fact that after getting hit in the head with rocks and a water bottle, Kroeger and the drummer both flip off the “fans” or the fact that Kroeger is somehow convinced that his band exemplifies “real rock music”. If I wanted real rock music, then I would go home and put in a Rolling Stones or AC/DC album, Chad. I sure as hell wouldn’t be listening to you.

And now we come to the most horrific, un-American part of Nickelback: they copy themselves. It’s true. Most disingenious musicians are caught lip-syncing or simply copy another band’s work. Not singing or singing someone else’s music is an American trend. Kroeger, in his Canadian brilliance, thought it would be sweet if he just copied his own music. For proof, I turn to the all-American, NPR.

Some of the highlights:at the 1:45 mark, the piece plays two of Nickelback’s most famous songs “How You Remind Me” and “Someday”. The two songs have identical structures, and even vocal patterns are similar. At the 5:50 point “Do This Anymore” and “How You Remind Me” also mix. 6:15 combines “How You Remind Me” with fellow Canadian Avril Lavigne’s “My Happy Ending”. Nickelback’s bassist also compares his band to AC/DC at 3:30.

The best line ever: At 3:15, the reporter cites the uproar on message boards over Nickelback’s alleged plaigarism. “Responses on the internet range from ‘This guy’s a genius. Nickelback sucks!’ to ‘Nickelback rules, YOU suck!’”

So there you have it. Chad Kroeger is a joke. The bassist thinks his band has the same “hit-like quality” that AC/DC has. The drummer flips off fans who actually do listen to real rock music. The band rips off its own songs to make new singles. And the fans’ intellectual capacities do not extend beyond “I am rubber, you are glue”.

My name is PragmaticallyPolitical, and I am a former Nickelback fan. I have been clean for over 2 years.

I wish you all a safe, happy, and Nickelback-less July 4th.

Don’t forget: be pragmatic, be political. And Nickelback sucks.